Children, Porn, First Sex: How to Speak with Teenagers on Sensitive Subjects

The following is a translation of an article previously published on 20 November, 2020.

“I am not in my own body”: How do parents speak about sexuality?

Host:

Tetyana Troshchynska

Guest:
Anna Lenchovska

Our Guest is Anna Lenchovska, psychologist, executive director on the NGO “Space of Toleration”, co-author of a course on sexual education, and participant of initiative groups for the creation of the comic I Am Not Your Kitty: A Small Book for Girls on One’s Own Boundaries.

Troshchynska: “Here is the latest survey from CEDOS regarding sexual education.”

• • • • • • Teachers. 40% of teachers are confident in their own knowledge regarding topics of sexuality. Simultaneously, 62% are convinced that short skirts will urge a boy to rape, and 33% are convinced that those who are not heterosexual need treatment.
          • Parents. 44% of parents consider that they have no limits when it comes to discussing topics of sexual education with their children. And yet 29% are convinced that people who hold multiple sexual partners are depraved. Furthermore, 27% of parents believe that it is shameful to have sexual intercourse before marriage.

“In 2018 a survey was conducted of teenagers in Ukraine, Europe, and South America. In that survey, every fifth teenager declared that they had entered into sexual intercourse.

“Parents need to form circles of trust with their adolescents, to have “a mate”, a friend within the family so to speak. Instead, parents will rather speak awkwardly on such topics. A solution would be to converse with a mature person, who is friendly, open-minded, and ready to discuss different topics, even those of short skirts or the age when our sexual lives begin.

“Modern research now is now concerned with teenagers throughout their adolescent years in relation to sexuality and orientation. On Tik-Tok, there is now quite a lot of topics associated with encouraging transgender individuals, acknowledging homosexuals. But it is also the task of the family to be a centre of encouragement. I read, somewhere five years ago, of this research organization, “Insight.” They were very serious interviews with transgender people. There wasn’t one interview that did not feature violence, physical or psychological, when a young person reported that ‘I think I am not in my own body.’”

• • • • • • The family reaction bordered on murder.

“A child is born unto us, we educate them, and have various experiences with them. But DNA, culture, society, and other things impact one’s personality.

“If we want to raise a personality which is capable of standing on its own, to critically wonder, to defend their own dignity, to be happy, and to be safe, parents need to have supported their child, to have taught them various things (for example, to identify emotions), to have built a circle of trust, that “you can come to us always.” Even if you drank too much somewhere at 14 years old. You will know that the child will come to you.”

• • • • • • Rules:
            • • No-one can touch your body without your consent.
              • Culture of consent

“When would it be normal to begin one’s sexual life? At 17-19, we actively formulate our pre-frontal cortex (the zone in the frontal lobe of our brain which is responsible for weighing risks, responsibility, ethics, and admitting decisions). At the same age we are able to vote.

“Parents are often in shock to find that their children are watching porn. But why can this be harmful? It is necessary to complement porn with literature and film. It is necessary to complement it with aspects of relationships. This is the Platonic stage of infatuation, followed by the erotic stage, it is just what is so adolescent about it. However, since they already see the same process of sexual activity in a majority of porn videos, they absolutely do not see the Platonic process that builds up to the act.

“Sex in real life is absolutely not the same as in porn.”

• • • • • • Sexualized conduct, oddly enough, can be a manifestation of adolescent depression.

“This is not about sex altogether. Eyes will be melancholy. Depression masks itself under bravado, under the same protesting behaviour. But there is no pleasure here from this protest, and it is unfortunately a big problem that will require a child’s psychiatrist, to receive qualified medical help.”

Translated by Logan J. Borges