What stereotypes prevent men and women from respecting each other? How to build respect from childhood? What to do with child’s aggression and how to help children learn nonviolent communication?
In the Hromadske Radio studio there are Sergiy Choumachenko, the co-founder of the training company «Team Expert» and the creativity and sports camp «ExtreMal», business coach, researcher who studies the philosophy, traditions and experience of the Scandinavian Educational System; and Maryna Romanenko, the psychologist, trainer, director of the kindergarten and school network «First Child Academy», author and host of the «Academy of Professional Parenthood».
Vasyl Shandro: Our project is being implemented not only in the format of live call-in talk shows with on-line streams but also in the format of off-line open discussions. The first such discussion was hold on the 5th of January and during that discussion men raised the question we want to put to our listeners today.
Tetyana Troshchynska: The question was: «How should a man behave when he, being in the company of a woman (his wife or friend), sees how another man violates the dignity of this woman?»; Men emphasized: if it is not aggression, then what? If it is aggression, then what kind?
Vasyl Shandro: We have comments from people who responded on-line.
Hosts together with the experts analyze the comments.
Tetyana Troshchynska: We start the program from the survey we conducted on the streets of Kyiv. This is not a sociological survey, but a certain aspect. The first question was «How do women humiliate the dignity of man, and how do men humiliate the dignity of women?» We asked people about such cases in their life.
Tetyana Troshchynska: Maryna, Sergiy, what did you notice for yourself in this poll? What, in your opinion, are the reasons for such disrespect?
Maryna Romanenko: I think that disrespect really exists. If you look at this from the historical perspective, you can see the world wars that killed many men. Generations of women raised children on their own. It has become a tradition that a woman can do everything, can solve any question, grow children, can close many nuances on her own. There is a tradition, even in humor and songs, that a mother is everything, and no one speaks about a father. Generations of people believe that a mother is the most important person in a family. There is no such cognition about a father.
Tetyana Troshchynska: But mother is also humiliated. For example, a mom did not do anything all day long, she was washing the dishes, lying on the couch and watching TV, and a dad was at work working.
Maryna Romanenko: Mom was watching TV — it’s probably the talk about a dad. Such a tale is told about men. And as for moms, we can hear that domestic chores are not visible. «I was at work, earning money, and what did you do?» But it is believed that men are less important than women, especially when women become mothers. This is really sad. This is the basis for the development of a culture in which children are brought up.
Tetyana Troshchynska: One interviewed man said that he had no problems with disrespect, but he knows situations of his friends where women humiliate them manipulating with children. This partly reveals the fact that there is such a culture not to admit that there is a problem, because then you are not a man, not a leader, not a father if you have such a problem. Can these things be connected?
Sergiy Chumachenko: In fact, this is one of the main reasons of what is happening today in our society. This is a stereotype: when I admit that I or my family face some weaknesses, some problems then I demonstrate weakness. In Scandinavian culture with Viking traditions there is a different attitude to a woman. A woman has great authority in a family and in culture. Studying the experience of the Swedish school, I payed attention to some points that allow to bypass this stereotype. From a kindergarten up to the 9th form there is such a tool which is called «a day of friendly talk». Every Friday, a children’s group in a kindergarten or school gather together with their teacher to discuss all the problems that children faced in their relationships between children, between children and adults and the world around them. Imagine that for 11 years once a week a child openly discusses in the group the problems that he faces. With what skill will such child grow up? He calmly discusses all problems, realizing that this is the only way to solve these problems. In this sense, this is an important tool. When we discuss how to raise a boy who will respect girls and how to raise a girl who will respect boys, I want to ask a question: what is the difference between the respect for a boy and the respect for a girl? Respect exists either as a social habit, or it does not exist at all.
Vasyl Shandro: We have another poll about gender boxes and harmful gender stereotypes.
Tetyana Troshchynska: Are stereotypes harmful?
Maryna Romanenko: Any stereotype is harmful.
Tetiana Troshchynska: And if we talk about the fact that they reduce the path to the truth? Don’t they?
Maryna Romanenko: As for me, a stereotype extends this path, because every person is special, with each person it is necessary to build a relationship. There are certain male and female patterns, but they will be manifested and expressed in every person in a unique way.
Sergiy Choumachenko: Fortunately, for the last 5 or 10 years I have been communicating in a circle or people where there are no such stereotypes. A true society of partners can only be built by educated people. This became a meme of Scandinavian culture — a free education of high- quality for everybody. This thing fundamentally changes the perception.
Vasyl Shandro: Now we will listen to a brief audio reference on what stereotypes are.
Vasyl Shandro: It was experimentally proved that children (up to 6 or 7 years) who witness violence in their families, watch videos with violence, play games that are violent, are more tolerant to domestic violence. Of course, there are exceptions.
Tetyana Troshchynska: And, perhaps, we should talk about how to achieve these exceptions. If we saw how dad and mom are fighting, will we be fighting during all next generations?
Maryna Romanenko: This is what happens. Dad and mom are fighting constantly, even if it’s not a physical fight, there is this fight that children learn — the culture we’ve talked about.
Tetyana Troshchyshka: What do we have to do to have as many exceptions as possible?
Maryna Romanenko: Let’s talk about how to form the right culture in our families.
Sergiy Choumachenko: It’s a very difficult question: what is a norm? I recall a story when we were at a school for difficult teenagers in Stockholm. Our teachers asked what technologies are used to resolve conflicts. Our colleagues form Stockholm did not understand the question. But then I was amazed at the answer. They said that they are talking. If we want to change something, first of all, we need to work with adults. When parents ask for recommendations about their child’s bad behavior, I recommend to start with parents. Parents should consult a psychologist and deal with that. What we call stereotypes, in fact, is a lack of education. I can recommend parents one thing — to understand what kind of model they want and talk about this model of relationships that is comfortable for them, and after that to follow this model, and be ready that their child can raise a claim about the quality of the relationships.
Vasyl Shandro: We are moving to the next block. We will talk about aggression. Let’s listen to the information about one research on aggressive behavior.
Tetyana Troshchyshka: We have a listener from Kyiv.
A listener: Dale Carnegie said that a person humiliates another person if he/she is not self-confident. Do you agree with this idea? And please note how youth talk, girls, just like guys, use rude slang, swear words.
Sergiy Choumachenko: Low self-esteem can cause aggression. This happens very often. This is connected with the respect for yourself. Scandinavians, from the time when a child just begins to move, have such a thing as his/her territory, his/her interest. As soon as a child gives a signal that he/she needs help, the borders cease to exist, adults get involved in the process and provide assistance. The second question was about slang. The use of non-normative vocabulary has a certain function. At a certain age this might be a manifestation of the inner need to go beyond the borders. There is a certain cultural matrix, when adults define the framework. The head of one of the Swedish towns said that if you are used to obeying or commanding, you can hardly become a partner. This is the value they bring up from the very beginning, they do not create excessive pressure on a child.
Tetyana Troshchyshka: Can aggression be safely expressed?
Maryna Romanenko: You can go and box or beat a pillow.
Tetyana Troshchyshka: Is aggression as an emotion normal? Is it typical for everyone?
Sergiy Chumachenko: Aggression is a complex emotion. It can consist of other emotions that should be analyzed. A good parent does not prohibit aggression, he/she suggests to talk about what causes it. Aggression is harmful, we must look for ways to express our emotions differently.
Vasyl Shandro: David Allweiss, the practicing attorney in New York City who provides help for men and boys who lack confidence due to bullying, gives the following recommendations
Tetyana Troshchynska: What should we summarize from our conversation?
Sergiy Choumachenko: I would like to draw your attention to the fact that what we call «stereotypes» is just a result of our activity in our families and communities. How to deal with this? Adults should pay attention to their own behavior, because children form their behavior based on what they see in adults. Adults bear responsibility for what is happening in society.
Maryna Romanenko: I wish people to realize what respect is, they should have the respect for themselves and for others. No need to deserve it. I believe that every person already deserves respect.
Listen to the full version of the talk show in the attached audio file.